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When You FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn’t for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah’s couch because of Katie?)
It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green… it doesn’t really matter.
All of us fall in love.
And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy.
My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them. 

Let’s begin……….

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL

Let me qualify.
This is such a tricky myth. Because love —– as defined by the Bible —— will conquer all. But love —— as defined by glazed-eyed lovers —– will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:

You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your best friends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison.
But you won’t ——— because you’re in love. That’s why there are songs entitled, "you and me against the world"
Your best buds comment, “but he’s been jobless for the past three years!"
And you say, "He’s free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he’s in the office. (In other words, he’s undisciplined, lazy bum.)
Your officemates say, ‘He flirts with other women constantly!’ and you say, ‘No, he’s just friendly.’ (In other words, he’s a pervert)
Your cousins say, ‘He’s taking drugs, He’s got needle marks all over his arm. And you say, ‘No, he’s into cross stitching.’

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him.

The wedding doesn’t transform anyone.
Even if three Popes officiate the wedding.
The person you’ll march with into the church will be the same person you’ll march with out of the church. He doesn’t change one bit.
In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.
If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he’ll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding.

Here’s the truth: You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility.

Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, “We’re compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We’re both born in July."
Wow. That’s so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2: WHEN IT’S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON

I’m sure you’ve had this experience before.
You are in a crowded room. You’re surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door.
Your eyes meet.
Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you hear gentle violin music from the background.
One week later, he’s your boyfriend.
A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend’s a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you’re his eight in six months).
Your mind says, ‘Dump him’
your heart says, ‘But it was love at first sight!’
Here are the consequences …

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship.
Six out of seven days, you’re fighting with your boyfriend.
But you can’t give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ……How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the ‘real thing’.
One intelligent woman told me, ‘Bo, there’s this guy who’s courting me. He’s okay. He’s kind, he’s responsible, and he has a good job…….’
"I could hear a ‘but’ coming," I said.
”but there are no sparks!" she bit her lip.
"No violin music playing in the background huh"
"none. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei…"
"Listen. You don’t need a magical first moment to meet your potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values…"
I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It’s loud and clear."
It doesn’t have to be love at first sight.
In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who’ve known each other for years before they realize that they’re good marriage material.
What is love at first sight?
Many times, it’s lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight.
Don’t give it too much weight.

Here’s the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3: IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won’t. Here are the consequences for believing this myth:

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place.
Imagine the night of your honeymoon.
Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes. Her beautiful nose, her parted red lips.
And all of a sudden, she snores.
"Ngggggggooork"
How do you react? Because it’s your honeymoon, you say, ‘How cute.’
Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze.
And you hear her snore.
"Ngggggoork."
What do you say?
"Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!”
What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: ‘That’s normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn’t mean your love is gone so don’t panic!’
You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love
this is nutty.
But many people do it: when we don’t feel in love, we think it’s the fault of the other person. And so we fight him.
Again, we fall out of love because we’re human beings.
It’s nobody’s fault.
The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins.
Let me explain.
This is the most important point I’m going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

Falling in love isn’t love
Here’s why. When you fall in love…..
a.       No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
b.       No effort is required. Falling in love is like…. Well, falling.
c.       No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three: Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.
Sure true love can only happen after you’ve fallen out of love.
When you begin choosing to love, even if you don’t feel like doing it —- that’s true love. And that’s the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely —– you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won’t.
Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.

Here’s the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.

There are just some things your husband can’t give you: your self-worth, your spirituality, your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own.
I’ve met lots of people who think they’re dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they’re dissatisfied with themselves.
I’ve met lots of people who think they’re bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is —- when in truth, they’re really bored with life.
Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT’S TRUE LOVE YOU WON’T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

if you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.
One man told me, “Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl at work."
Being attracted to someone is normal —– even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn’t mean falling into adultery.
Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, ‘Home, boy, Home!’ and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows. But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can’t be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. You often don’t get hints & you ever pass any. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating; otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you’re being appreciated. Your mate’s physical attractiveness is important for you. You tend to be very practical, & not very emotional. Your choices are very good & can only lead to trouble. You are very self satisfied & egoistic.

Sirach 2:1-11

My son, when you come to serve the LORD, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, undisturbed in time of adversity. Cling to him, forsake him not; thus will your future be great. Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient; for in fire gold is tested and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation. Trust God and he will help you; make straight your ways and hope in him. You fear for the LORD, wait for his mercy; turn not away lest you fall. You, who fear the LORD, trust him, and your reward will not be lost. You, who fear the LORD, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy. Study the generations long past and understand; has anyone hoped in the LORD and been disappointed? Has anyone persevered in his feat and been forsaken? Has anyone called upon him and been rebuffed? Compassionate and merciful is the LORD; he forgives sins, he saves in time of trouble.

Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.

Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don’t stagnate!

Don’t regress.
Don’t live in the past. Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.
Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don’t throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid, for some of life’s more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.

Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don’t postpone it.
Say those words. Don’t let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society’s scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn’t true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don’t lose faith in God.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

God is good all the time!

Spiritual failure. What does it mean? Are you into it? Are you making the moves to get over it?

Do you go with the natural flow of life? Someone who just do things come what may? Do you exempt yourself with Christian work? Don’t you share your faith? Do you look for feedback from friends? Are they a big influence to your convictions? Do you do things just to gain reputation? Do things for your own glory. Are you a grumbling Christian, minding your own business and maintaining a shallow relationship with disciples? Do you seek yourself into sin and do not confess? Are you being worldly and materialistic and keep disobeying God? If you answer yes to any of these, then it is alarming. You are into spiritual failure.

In everything we do, we fix our eyes on a specific goal. Often, a time range is at hand. We won’t get lost if we have it. Whether it’s working on our desired weight, aiming at a high grade or having a new pair of shoes. We don’t let anything stop us. But are we like this when it comes to our spirituality? Have we realized that God is the best gift that we can ever have? Are we aware that the wealthiest person in the world is the one who invest for eternity, not the person who had traveled the most or the one who has the most number of shares in the stock market? Life is a race. Everybody has the chance to win, if only we are faithful till the end. Just like anything. The goal to be in heaven one day should be the thing that keeps us going in our spiritual journey. Let us not allow any struggle hinder us from finishing the race.

But, do we play by the rules? Do we obey what’s in the bible? Or are we one of those who had changed belief but didn’t change heart and behavior? Do we still justify our sins? A simple white lie is still a lie. It is still a sin. There is no slight difference. There is no such thing as varying degree of sins.

It is not easy to follow God, but it is all worth it! We may have different struggles and situations but let these not refrain us from running for the prize, which is to be in heaven one day.

Outgoing personality. Takes risk. Feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing’s peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.  Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of "that someone".  Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring.  Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious.  "Charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent.  Strong willed. A fighter.

Thursday - two nights and it would be Saturday. Another exciting day awaits me. Exciting in a sense that it is a completely new world for me. It has been almost four months but then I am still on the process of embracing another chapter of my life. I believe this is God’s will because it entails quite a lot of sacrifice. I feel blessed to have people around who help think of my future. Without them, I won’t be enjoying all these.

Am grateful for I have gained new friends, additional knowledge and the feeling of how to care and how to do it right and at your best. I may not notice how time flies. But what’s important is that along the way, it could bring out the best in me.

It is a challenge to juggle between work and study plus the financial struggles u face everyday. But as long as God is with u, nothing falls short. He takes great care of all our needs - everything! The air we breathe, the clothes we wear, the work we have, the time…we control our time. We may think of tons of workload, so many things to do, but only if we are committed to do things one at a time, follows a schedule, then no need to worry. Time management is what they call it. And for me, a greater conviction is needed to be able to make it. I may not pass my standards now but I hope am working things out..